Two weeks ago, a bunch of our favourite bands played this three day party that just happened to be hosted on a cruise ship, on its way from Miami to the Bahamas. We were too broke to go (nah, I didn’t go for that job in the end.) However, our friend Lauren, who now lives in Mexico or something, wasn’t. Here’s her photo report. I hate her.

WORDS & PHOTOS BY LAUREN THACKER:

So a couple of weeks back, me and my shiny new friend Jasmine made the very rash and indulgent decision of making the ultimate rock’n’roll pilgrimage to the inaugural Bruise Cruise Festival. Despite the fact that I am now genuinely too poor to eat, we both agree that it was the best decision we ever made. We had an inkling that it would be – a line-up including Thee Oh Sees, Ty Segall, Black Lips, The Strange Boys, Quintron & Miss Pussycat as well as promises of 24-hour room service, jacuzzis, mini golf, a WATER SLIDE and a 24-hour self-service ice-cream machine – all combined with the fact that it was on a big fuck-off boat in Miami – kind of convinced us that it would probably be the best weekend of our lives, but frankly we weren’t prepared for the obscene amount of fun that it transpired to be.

We arrived eager to check in at Mexico City airport to discover that our Miami flight was cancelled, and then literally two minutes after being told this we realised we’d left our only credit card in a fucking bus station in Puebla. GAME OVER. But somehow, we got our shit together and ended up arriving in Miami late at night with all of our belongings, $100 between us to feed us and put a roof over our heads, and nobody but shifty Miami hobos to keep us company. We went straight to the pre-party, exhausted but high on VICTORY, bummed a lot of cigarettes and ended up teaming up with some excellent fellow ‘Bruisers’… and after a night of drinking beers on the beach, made it on the boat on the Friday (along with a fair amount of vodka ingeniously smuggled in a pair of dungarees).

From there on in everything was pure joy and glory. I think the best thing about the whole weekend was just how awesome all the Bruisers were. By the end of the weekend, everybody was total BFFs and completely in love with each other, running riot on a ridiculous Vegas-style boat that was largely populated by atrocious fat Americans (Sorry. But they were.) listening to reggaeton and drinking unlimited soda. You could spot the Bruisers a mile off – the buffet bar for example, mainly full of Miami mamas and spoilt kids would be dotted around with tattooed pale punks looking lost, with an expression of excited bewilderment on their faces. Apparently the ‘normals’ were just as bewildered by us – my friend was in an elevator with some other Bruisers and two regular cruisers. One Miami mama turned to the other with a look of panic etched on her face and exclaimed ‘WHAT’S HAPPENING?!’ Ha! Punk 1 – normal people NIL. Honestly, the weirdness of that contrast was maybe the best thing about the cruise. It took me a couple of days after arriving home for my stomach muscles to stop hurting from laughing so much.

As for the bands, well – I think the line-up probably speaks for itself. I saw Thee Oh Sees three times in one weekend, on a boat, which obviously means it was EVEN BETTER. They were for sure the band of the weekend for me. Quintron & Miss Pussycat incited major dance parties for both of their boat sets, and a dude proposed to his girlfriend during the Ty Segall set and all of his band were beaming huge smiles and I cried a bit (she said yes, obviously. NO PRESSURE ha). Ian Svenonius who was in all those dead good bands delivered a lecture on rock and roll and Miss Pussycat and Quintron did a puppet show over a pancake breakfast. We also went to the Bahamas for a bit. It was…. well I think it’s probably best I let the pictures do the talking.